


The More Things Change...

by tittysatan



Category: Black Jack (Anime & Manga)
Genre: M/M, Trans Male Character, Vol. 1 Confluence, Vol. 4 The Sea Smells of Romance, because tezuka clearly had no idea what he was doing, black jack doesn't quite get it but he's trying his best to be supportive, handjobs, it's...tender, outdated conceptions of transness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-28 05:12:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18749701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tittysatan/pseuds/tittysatan
Summary: Megumi didn't become Kei because of a hysterectomy. It just made him realize.





	The More Things Change...

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know much about what the perception of trans identity was in 70's Japan, either in the medical community, the queer community, or society at large; from the way Kisaragi's story is written, it's pretty clear that A) Tezuka didn't know either, and B) it was pretty different from the perception in 2019 America. If anything comes across as outdated, offensive, or just plain inaccurate, that's probably why. I don't think there are any glaring factual errors regarding medical effects, but I'm DFAB nonbinary and have neither had a hysterectomy nor taken testosterone, so for the most part, I can only speak from my brief fact-checking rather than personal experience. Hence this disclaimer.

It was a little over a month after the skin transplant on a certain apprentice deckhand that Doctor Kei Kisaragi landed in Japan.

Black Jack met him in the same Yokohama park as last time. Some part of him had wanted to refuse when he called—seeing Kisaragi was always so painful—but he couldn’t say no, not when he heard that voice. Deeper than Megumi’s had been, but still so similar.

So yes, his chest might ache when he caught sight of Kisaragi standing beneath a tree in his suit and glasses, smiling at him just like she used to, but he still took a seat next to him on a bench overlooking the harbor.

“I heard about what you did for him,” Kisaragi said, staring out over the water. “I wanted to thank you, Kuro’o.”

“…did you know he was in love with you?” Black Jack asked.

Kisaragi turned to look at him with a start, then sighed, gaze dropping. “…I thought he might be. I just hoped I was wrong.”

“Why did you send him to me, then?”

“He was a good kid,” Kisaragi said. “I could see he looked up to me as a big brother, and I tried to be that for him… It’s so rare that someone respects me as a man. But he kept asking me to go to the baths with him, and eventually I had to tell him about my past. After that, he…started treating me differently. As much as I tried to be like a brother to him, he didn’t look at me the same way anymore. So when he told me he wanted to get rid of his tattoos… I heard the rumor that it was because he’d fallen in love with someone, but I thought that even if it was me, I could let him down gently and urge him to go back to school. It would be better for him in the end.” He slumped down, burying his face in a hand. “And then he had to go and get himself killed…”

“I thought you’d be happy to have someone see you as a woman,” Black Jack said. “He wanted you to be his wife, even as you are now.”

Kisaragi laughed bitterly. “You don’t understand at all, do you? I don’t know who he fell in love with, but she doesn’t exist. He was bound to realize that, sooner or later. He loved me as a woman, and I’m a man.”

“You might not be able to have children anymore, and you’re not as feminine as you used to be, but if you wanted to live as a woman, I’m sure—”

“That’s what I mean when I say you don’t understand,” Kisaragi said, looking up at Black Jack, something strange and lonely and frustrated in his eyes. “I’m not a man because of my hysterectomy, Kuro’o. That didn’t change anything about me. It just made me realize how unhappy I was living as Megumi.”

Black Jack blinked, chest aching as the words started to sink in. “What do you mean…?”

“I expected to become more masculine after the surgery,” Kisaragi said, looking at his hands, blushing just a little. “I wasn’t looking forward to it, but I was fine with the thought. But it didn’t happen. I hit surgical menopause, that was all; I was as much of a woman as ever. Everyone around me was so relieved for me, and I told myself I was relieved as well, but… That was a lie. I’d spent so much time imagining myself as a man, as Kei. I was ready. And to have to continue being Megumi after that… I couldn’t stop thinking about how much different things would be if I wasn’t a woman. Every day, every minute. Until finally I couldn’t lie to myself anymore; I was disappointed. I wanted to be a man. I couldn’t keep living as a woman; if I had to for much longer, it would kill me.”

Black Jack just sat there, eyes wide and mouth open. They’d parted ways immediately after the surgery; they’d both agreed it would be less painful that way. He’d never imagined. He’d thought having to live as a man was something Kisaragi merely endured, and somewhere deep inside, he was still Megumi, but… “…that’s only an effect of the operation though, right? Your body might not have changed, but since you weren’t getting female hormones anymore…”

Kisaragi shook his head. “I didn’t realize until then, but I’d never been comfortable living as a woman. I tried to be feminine because I thought that was what was expected of me; I put on makeup and wore dresses and assumed that one day I would get married and have children, but I never _liked_ any of that. It was just something I thought I had to do.” He took Black Jack’s hand and put it to his cheek, letting him feel the faint rasp of stubble. “After I realized…I secretly started taking testosterone. It was easy enough to pass it off as a delayed effect of the surgery. Everyone pitied me because I wouldn’t be able to keep living as a woman, but I was so happy. And when my voice dropped and I began to grow facial hair, I found someone to give me a mastectomy.” He gave a crooked little smile. “I would have liked you to do it, but I was still so scared of what you’d think if you knew.”

“So you’re saying…in your heart, you were always a man?” Black Jack said, stroking Kei's face just a little. His skin was so much rougher than Megumi’s had been, but his eyes were just the same, deep and gentle as he nodded. Black Jack’s stomach was twisting; he didn’t want to know, but he had to ask, because the thought would eat him alive if he didn’t. “Your love for me…did it mean anything at all? Or was it just something else you felt like you had to do?”

“Of course it meant something!” Kisaragi said, taking Black Jack’s hand in both of his. “I kept expecting that feeling to fade, too, but… It never did. I never started having feelings for women, and…” He blushed, looking away. “…I never stopped having feelings for you.”

Black Jack felt himself blushing too, Kisaragi’s hands warm around his. He’d never stopped having feelings for Kisaragi either, as much as he’d tried to forget; that was why those memories were so painful.

“…I still love you, Kuro’o,” Kisaragi said, meeting his eyes, gripping his hand tighter. “As Kei; as a man. I know Megumi was the one you loved, but… Is there any chance at all your feelings might be the same?”

Black Jack didn’t know what to say. Kisaragi was looking up at him, eyes bright behind his glasses, just the same as they always had been. His lips were the same ones he’d kissed; his hands were the same ones he’d held. He’d been charmed by Megumi’s beauty, and none of that beauty had gone away. And more than that, he hadn’t fallen in love with what was womanly about her, but with her mind. If Kisaragi had always been a man—if there had only ever been Kei—then that meant Kei was the one he’d loved all those years ago.

“…I love you too, Kei,” Black Jack said, leaning in and pressing their lips together, and it was exactly like he remembered.

He pulled back to see Kisaragi smiling with teary eyes. “…I never thought you would,” he said, laughing, dabbing at his face with a handkerchief. “I decided I’d tell you today, I couldn’t keep it inside any longer, but I never imagined you’d return my feelings.”

“…of course I do,” Black Jack said, not knowing what else to say. His head was still spinning; all he knew was that Kisaragi—the first love he’d thought was lost forever—was in front of him, smiling at him, fingers laced with his, and he felt like the sun was in his chest. He caressed Kisaragi’s face, ran a hand through his soft dark hair, and was about to lean in and kiss him again when Kisaragi stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

“We’re still in a park, Kuro’o,” he laughed, blushing. “Two men, holding hands and kissing like schoolchildren… What would people think?”

Black Jack felt his face turn red. He’d completely forgotten they were in public; it was just lucky no one else was around. “Well, we can’t go back to my clinic; I’d never be able to explain to Pinoko.”

“…there’s always my hotel room,” Kisaragi said. “It’s not the Ritz, but it’s nice enough.”

A confused jumble of images flashed through Black Jack’s mind, a mix of Megumi and Kei, not naked and unconscious atop a surgical table but nude and smiling and holding him in their arms. “…if you’re sure that’s alright…”

“I’m sure,” Kisaragi said with a shy smile, standing and pulling him to his feet. “Did you drive here? I took a cab, so…”

 

* * *

 

“…what _are_ you going to tell Pinoko?” Kisaragi said, glancing over at Black Jack from the passenger’s seat.

“I have no idea,” he sighed. “She’s so clingy… The only reason she let me go visit you without tagging along is because you’re a man.”

“I guess that’s a silver lining,” Kisaragi said with a soft laugh. “I wouldn’t mind if you left it at that, and told her you stayed out all night drinking and talking with an old friend.”

Black Jack didn’t notice the stoplight had turned green until the car behind him honked. “…you want me to stay the night?”

Kisaragi blushed, looking away. “I… I don’t mean to be presumptuous, I know my body isn’t normal, but…”

Black Jack blinked, then burst out laughing. “Isn’t normal? Have you _seen_ my scars? A little mastectomy’s nothing compared to these.”

“Yes, I suppose you’ve got a point,” Kisaragi said, laughing along. “So are you saying…”

“…if you’ll have me, I’d be more than happy.” Their love that had been cut short after nothing but a kiss was being rekindled after all these years; of course he wanted this. Black Jack had no idea what to expect—how Kisaragi’s body would look, what they would do together—but he didn’t care, either. Not when it was him.

At the next stoplight, Kisaragi leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Black Jack turned and gave him one back on the lips.

 

* * *

 

Kisaragi had been absolutely right—his hotel room wasn’t the Ritz, but it was nice enough. It was clean, and there was a shower, and the bed was large enough for two; that was really all they needed. They were alone together, in private. For a moment all they could do was stand there in front of each other, blushing and fidgeting, unable to meet each other’s eyes. “…I’ve never done this before,” Kisaragi finally said. “I had boyfriends, before the operation, but we never did anything more than kiss. And of course, there was never anyone after.”

“I’ve never done this before either,” Black Jack said. “…I only ever kissed you.”

For a moment Kisaragi could only stare, mouth open, before embracing him. “…I had no idea.”

Black Jack’s only reply was to wrap his arms around Kisaragi, burying his face in his soft, sweet-smelling hair.

“Let’s make up for lost time, then,” Kisaragi said, standing on tiptoe to kiss him. “Both of us.”

It was clumsy and awkward, a couple of virgins fumbling to undress each other between kisses, but it was a warm sort of awkward, smiling and blushing every time their eyes met. It wasn’t until Black Jack undid the last of the buttons on Kisaragi’s shirt that the smaller man pulled back, arms tight around himself. “…you’ll think I look strange.”

“Of course I won’t…!” he said. In his time as a surgeon, Black Jack had seen more bodies than he could even count; people suffering from all sorts of illnesses and conditions. His own ‘daughter’ was a teratoma in an exoskeleton he built for her. Kisaragi’s body, however it looked, couldn’t possibly faze him. And besides… “What, do you think _I_ look strange?” he asked, shrugging off his own shirt.

Kisaragi’s eyes went wide as he took in the sight of Black Jack’s patchwork skin, tracing fingers lightly over the lines of scar tissue. “I can’t say you don’t,” he said with a wry smile, pulling Black Jack down to kiss the scar on his cheek, “but I like it.”

“Then even if you do look strange,” he said, caressing Kisaragi’s face, “I’m sure I’ll like it too. It’s you, after all.”

Kisaragi blushed, smiled, shyly pulled off his shirt and stood there, hands behind his back. Lines of scar tissue on his flat chest, narrow shoulders, a slim waist; the body of a delicate young man.

“…you don’t look strange at all,” Black Jack said. “You’re so handsome.”

Kisaragi blushed scarlet. “…you don’t mean that.”

“Of course I do,” Black Jack said, kneeling to kiss the scars on his chest, running his fingers over the pearlescent tissue, making Kisaragi laugh ticklishly.

“You’re sweet,” he said, leaning down to kiss him before sitting on the side of the bed, pulling Black Jack after him and kissing him more, tracing the pattern of scars on his back. “…oh my,” Kisaragi said, blushing as he leaned back, gently rubbing his knee up against Black Jack’s erection. “I guess you really do mean it.”

“W-what did I tell you…?” Black Jack said, breath catching, grinding up against him.

“…I hope you don’t change your mind,” Kisaragi said, unzipping his fly and pulling his pants off, blushing in his briefs. They were tenting, just a little.

Black Jack blinked. “…did you get genital reconstructive surgery too…?”

“…it’s an effect of the testosterone,” Kisaragi said, pulling his knees up to his chest.

“I see…” Black Jack was starting to realize he really had no idea what effect hormones had on the human body. He was a surgeon, it wasn’t his field! He was going to look into it as soon as he had the chance, though; the least he could do for Kisaragi was to try and understand.

“…does it bother you?” Kisaragi asked, unable to meet his eyes.

“Not at all,” Black Jack said, kissing him, coaxing him out of his defensive posture to run a hand over the soft curve of his hip. “Can I touch you?”

Hesitantly, Kisaragi nodded. “…I want to touch you too, then.” Blushing, Black Jack took his pants off, lying face to face with Kisaragi on the bed, both in their underwear. “It feels like we’re teenagers experimenting together,” Kisaragi said with a laugh.

“It’s like you said, we’re making up for lost time,” Black Jack said, breath catching as Kisaragi’s slender hand traced down his stomach, then moaning as he ran fingers over his erection. “Kei…” Black Jack wrapped an arm around Kisaragi’s back and reached between his legs with the other, rubbing him gently through his underwear.

“Ahh, Kuro’o…” Kisaragi sighed, trembling against him, looking at him though eyes hazy with desire, and any reservations Black Jack might have had were gone in an instant.

“You’re so perfect,” he said, kissing Kisaragi hard, grinding up against his hand, body aching with pleasure and need. “Just like this.”

Kisaragi laughed softly and kissed him back. “So are you.” He slipped his hand into Black Jack’s waistband, drawing a moan as he began to stroke him directly.

Black Jack did the same, rubbing Kisaragi’s clitoris with two fingers, intoxicated by the way his touches made him gasp and shiver and cling to him. “I’m close…”

Kisaragi kissed him, gripped tighter and stroked faster, and it was too much. Black Jack moaned into his mouth as he came, hips jerking as Kisaragi gently worked him through it, catching his breath as the tension left his body. He’d never felt so good before in his life. “You were amazing…” he said, caressing Kisaragi’s face.

“I’m not quite there yet,” Kisaragi said, waiting for Black Jack to wipe the cum off his stomach before shifting so that the larger man was spooning him, one arm around his chest and the other between his legs.

Black Jack took the hint, kissing his neck as he touched him, urged on by Kisaragi’s breathless moans and words of encouragement. Finally Kisaragi let out a low cry, back arching against him and clinging to his arm, legs squirming against the sheets, before finally relaxing. “…you were amazing too,” he said, turning so they were face to face, wrapping his arms around Black Jack and kissing him.

They stay like that for a while, lazily kissing each other in a pleasant daze of afterglow, Kisaragi’s hand tracing the lines of scars on Black Jack’s back. “…did you mean it?” the surgeon finally asked. “When you said you like my scars?”

“Of course!” Kisaragi said. “It’s like seeing your history on your body; it reminds me of all the things I love about you.”

All Black Jack could do in response was blush, burying his face in the crook of Kisaragi’s neck.

“…did you mean it when you said I’m…perfect, like this?” Kisaragi asked softly. “If I never got cancer, and never needed a hysterectomy, I might have lived the rest of my life thinking I was a woman. Maybe we would even have gotten married. Can you honestly say you prefer me like this?”

“What kind of a question is that?” Black Jack said. “You said yourself, that wasn’t really you. Even if we loved each other, how could we ever be happy together when you were living a lie? This might be more difficult, but it’s _real_.”

“…I just wanted to hear you say it,” Kisaragi said, pulling the covers up over them and nestling closer to Black Jack. “I’m so happy…”

“So am I.”

For a while, they stayed like that, dozing quietly in each other’s arms.

“I’m going to keep being a ship’s doctor,” Kisaragi said after a while. “But I think I’ll try to come back to Japan more often.”

“I’ll make sure I’m here when you do.”

“Glad to hear it.”

 

* * *

 

“I’m home, Pinoko.”

“Doctor!” Pinoko ran out from her room, glaring up at Black Jack with arms crossed. “Where were you? Pinoko wash sharting to get wowwied!”

“I told you when I left, didn’t I?” he sighed. “I was out drinking with Doctor Kisaragi! Oh, and he got you a souvenir from his last port of call,” he said, pulling a little box out of his pocket and handing it over.

“A shouvenir!?” she said, all annoyance forgotten as she opened the box. “A peawl haiwpin… It’s sho pwetty…!”

“…isn’t that a little mature for you?”

“Shtupid doctor!” she said, sticking her tongue out at him. “Pinoko’s twenty! A gwown lady!” She ran to the mirror, pulling out her ribbons and putting the hairpin in place. “There! What a nice shouvenir… Sho much better than those dolls Doctor always gets me!”

“But I thought you liked dolls!”

“ _This_ is a pwoper pwesent for a lady,” Pinoko said, admiring her reflection. “I guess Kisaragi shtill hash a woman’s heawt!”

“Don’t say that,” Black Jack said, picking up the discarded box from the floor. “Kei’s a man, through and through.”

“…why are you bwushing?” she asked, eyes narrowing.

“N-no reason!”


End file.
